Why “you look pretty” destroys one’s self-image and the importance of moving towards compliments that have nothing to do with physical appearance

Photos taken by Christy Wee, edited by Rachel Leung

This isn’t meant to be a feminist speech. Nor is it a message solely for girls and women. It’s for everyone that’s ever complimented another person based on their appearance, malevolently or out of goodwill. I’m 99.9% certain you’re included in that group. I am too.

“You look thinner!” “Nice haircut!” “That dress looks so pretty on you! “Did you get more muscular? You look good!”

These comments are meant to be uplifting compliments (minus the ones said sarcastically) so how are they damaging to our mental well-being? Consider these definitions of the word ‘compliment’:

com·pli·ment

(noun) a polite expression of praise or admiration

(verb) to politely congratulate or praise someone for something

By praising someone for their thinness, their fashion, their attire, or their muscular definition, we’re placing worth on those attributes. These attributes become the item of admiration, rather than our God-given personality and unique abilities. Human brains are wired to pursue rewarding feelings, so we will behave in certain ways to achieve that recognition again. Consciously or unconsciously, we realize that we were inadequate before we became thin, before cutting our hair, before wearing that dress, before building muscle tone. When we are not in these states, others do not compliment us and therefore we are not worthy of praise, admiration, or congratulations. Perpetuating superficial compliments reinforces the goal of achieving worldly approval and acceptance and steers us farther and farther away from the path of stable self-image. This endless chase will only lead us to disappointment and void.

I too am guilty of giving these types of compliments, and still catch myself throwing them carelessly around to this day. I’m not proud to be contributing to a social problem I feel passionately about. These compliments are so prevalent in our everyday language but also inadvertently damaging to our mental wellbeing. We become exposed to these twisted ideals at a young age and form a feeble foundation for our developing self-image. From there, these so-called compliments gnaw away at the roots of our self-esteem, self-worth, and self-image, causing us to rot and tumble from the inside out.

By the age of 5, children have a differentiated view of themselves. Four areas of self-esteem emerge by elementary school: scholastic competence, athletic competence, social competence, and physical appearance. Guess which area contributes the most to overall sense of self-worth?

Physical appearance.

For many adolescents, even if their scholastic and athletic competence are high but their physical appearance is viewed as subpar, they are likely to have lower self esteem than peers with average scholastic and athletic competence and high physical appearance. As adults, we might not want to admit we’re this shallow, but often we are. Peer pressures and social comparisons rob us of our self-esteem. Combined with comments about physical appearance, even ones disguised as compliments, the process of deterioration is exacerbated. Each compliment widens a fracture in our self-image and when vulnerable enough, a simple social comparison could drive someone into a mental illness. That is exactly how I stumbled to anorexia at the age of 15.

According to the DSM 5, anorexia nervosa is a mental disorder characterized by persistent restriction of energy intake (i.e. calories) that leads to significantly low body weight for their age and sex, an intense fear of gaining weight and being fat, a disturbance in the way one’s body weight is experienced, and lack of recognition of the seriousness of their current low body weight.

At the start of high school, I was hanging out with girls who were thin, popular, and fashionable. They were friends with the cool grade 11 and 12s, their beauty attracted attention from peers, and they wore trendy clothing. In hindsight I laugh at how insignificant these things are. Although they were my best friends, I felt like I was always trailing behind them. One day I decided that I should try losing weight because maybe being thinner was the secret to being like the others (spoiler: it wasn’t). Just 5 pounds. Keep in mind that I was a healthy, average-weighted girl at the time. I began secretly counting calories on an iPod app and doing YouTube workouts in my room behind closed doors. I made lifestyle changes with barely any concrete information or professional guidance, which is a whole problem on its own. To be clear, desiring a better diet and incorporating exercise into your daily life are not intrinsically bad. However, if you’re doing something stealthily, it probably means you’re making poor decisions.

Calorie constricting and obsessive exercising quickly spiraled out of control and in the span of about 4 months, I dropped to a staggering 90-some pounds. Imagine me now but missing a third of my body weight. Lo and behold, friends, classmates, relatives, church aunties and others would compliment me on looking “so fit”, “so skinny”, and that I had a figure they were envious of. I would feel a surge of accomplishment each time I received one of these unfounded compliments and as a result, I failed to recognize and admit that I had a problem. My lunch consisted of one hard-boiled egg and a handful of grapes; that is definitely not substantial enough for a growing adolescent! After school I’d go swim laps for an hour and inadequately refuel by eating a small banana. I thought I was treating my body well by eating clean and exercising lots. The reality was that I was torturing my body be depriving it of nutrients and over-exercising. I was sick, frail, chronically lethargic, cold, and miserable. I could not enjoy social gatherings, holidays, or eating out because I was petrified of not knowing how many calories were in the food I was consuming. Comments validating my thinness kept me chained to my eating disorder for another 2 years.

This habit of superficial commenting is a problem in North America for sure, but I feel that it is even more pervasive and pronounced in Asian culture. How many times have you been greeted by a relative with “You got fatter” or “You got skinner”? Yes, grandma probably means well, and grandma was also raised in a completely different era. But that doesn’t mean we should tolerate these statements.

Once I entered a family friend’s home for dinner. They hadn’t seen me in a few years and I was at the peak of my anorexia. I kid you not, the first thing they said to me when I walked through their door was “Whoa! You’re so skinny!” Wait, aren’t you even going to say hello first? Why do they think it’s okay to use my weight as a means of starting a conversation? Think about it for a second. I haven’t seen this person in months, maybe years, and because you have nothing more relevant or meaningful to talk about you use the most superficial, most mentally terrorizing topic to generate ‘friendly’ banter? That’s so wrong.

In retrospect, I realize I was not only physically my weakest during that time, but I was also spiritually my weakest. I attended church service every Sunday but felt distant from God. When those thin, popular friends exited my life, I become socially lonely. I wasn’t actively involved in church fellowship, so I didn’t feel connected there either. The only area of my life I felt like I had control in was the food I stuck into my mouth. Praise God for introducing me to my current group of friends who are opposites of the girls I once associated myself with. I thank God that He opened my eyes before I was hospitalized or caused permanent damage to my metabolism and fertility. I thank God that He empowered me to rise above anorexia, that He helped me return to a normal pattern of eating, and that He gave me a passion for preventing eating disorders through nutrition education.

Christians ought to be especially mindful with their compliments to others. We were created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27). The Bible doesn’t bother telling us whether God had dazzling blue eyes, buff arms, or if his toga was designed by the ancient equivalent of Gucci. What it does tell us is about God’s character. His radical love, abounding grace, powerful holiness, infinite wisdom, unwavering faithfulness, and unchanging goodness. As followers of Christ we are called to “be imitators of God… And walk in love, as Christ loved us” (Ephesians 5:1-2). We can refer to the beatitudes of Jesus (Matthew 5:1-12), fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23), Paul’s chapter on love (1 Corinthians 13), and Peter’s letter on growing in faith (2 Peter 1:3-10) for the Godly characteristics we should strive to imitate.

The Bible is very clear about the pitfalls of seeking worldly adoration and how we can earn God’s praise instead. Unlike humans who focus on outward appearance, God looks at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7). In God’s eyes, “charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (Proverbs 31:30). “Beauty does not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles or gold jewelry or fine clothes, but… a gentle and quiet spirit which is precious in God’s sight” (1 Peter 3:3-4).

If we want to raise up a generation of children and youth that establish their self-image based on Godly traits, we must first rephrase our compliments. Let’s start with a simple example. Instead of saying “You look pretty in that dress”, say “You have a keen eye for style!” See how that highlights the person’s talent rather than just their appearance? After all, these special talents, gifts, skills, and abilities were given to us by God so that we can serve others and bring Him glory (1 Peter 4:10). Bringing God glory means to fulfill His purpose for us on Earth. We should be encouraging each other, especially the younger generation, to treasure their gifts and talents over appearance. How we utilize our gifts determines whether we earn God’s seal of approval, not external beauty.

So far, I’ve been very clear of what not to do. Here’s what you can do next time you catch yourself making a comment about someone’s physical looks. First, bite your tongue. Second, take a good look at the person you’re talking to. Examine them really, really carefully. Look beneath the surface and search for clues to their enduring traits, not temporary states.

Maybe their eyes have a sparkle to them today. Your eyes are sparkling today, there must be something you’re excited about! Or their smile is stretching from ear to ear. Your smile is contagious and lights up the room! Focus on their skills in areas that matter to them. You are so patience with your kids! Or talents. Your writing is so poetic! Or personality. You’re such a good listener and I can always be myself around you! In contrast, maybe their dark circles are looming and they appear fatigued. You have less energy today, what was challenging this week? These comments convey more care and interest than any compliment about outward appearance ever could.

I once saw a workout shirt that said, “I don’t want to look skinny. I want to look like I can kick your butt”. I would feel so much more empowered if someone told me the latter and I hope you would too. I want to be more like Wonder Woman, fighting like a boss and bringing justice to the world, than like Sleeping Beauty, who literally is just known for her beauty.

Next time you need something to talk about, mention why you value me as a friend/daughter/relative/co-worker/person/etc. or what makes me Christlike. Just don’t call me pretty.