This is my attempt to organize and release my thoughts, so here is a journalistic post for the archives. Hopefully it’ll empower you to crush your fears and take action this year too.

Take action about one thing you’re hesitating over… The answer is simple: you’ll regret it if you don’t do it.

It’s January and everyone seems to be setting goals and resolutions. I’ve briefly alluded to some of my 2019 goals. As a goal-oriented person, I like to take a pencil to paper and record my goals. Once they’re written down, I am 100% committed to it and go hard to reach them. For example, I want to improve my running this year and be able to run 5km without a walking break somewhere in between (you can even keep me accountable online). Up until 3 months ago, I categorized myself as a person who just can’t run. Then Chew convinced me to pay for (!) and participate in the Turkey Trot and I realized that the running community is fun and I wanted to a part in it! I pretty much walked the entire 10km loop but it left me wondering how long 10km would take me if I actually trained and tried. So when Lululemon organized a virtual running challenge, I pledged to run at least 40km in the first two weeks of January. As a complete newbie runner who can barely make it 5km without feeling like dying, 40km sounded really daunting. But I figured I had nothing to loose and could just give it a shot. Since I literally clicked ‘join challenge’ with my thumb, I felt accountable to seize every dry day to clock in some kilometers. (Thank God for the dry winter we’ve had so far!) Small increments better than none. Braving cold temperatures, early mornings, late nights, and extra busing between home and school was all worth it when I completed the challenge without having to log walking as extra cushioning.

But there is one goal I couldn’t translate from thought into words for the life of me. Something that got to the heart of “plan less”, “be more spontaneous”, and “get comfortable with uncertainty”. Then I read this article: How to eliminate regrets and take positive action. It is the most empowering and inspiring article I’ve read in a long time. I encourage you to read it before proceeding to the rest of my musings. To be honest, I don’t know how I even got to this article but I’m so glad I stumbled across it; it articulated exactly what had been churning in my brain for a long time.

Prefer answers to lingering questions no matter the outcomes.

Fear of adverse outcomes and social suicide literally paralyzes me. I easily become obsessed with trying to understand myself and others. I want to know a lot of things and although I’m typically one who takes initiative, for very particular things I’m not willing to do what it takes to get an answer. Despite “if you want it, go get it” being a piece of advice I give out regularly, I fail to do so myself at times.

I’m naturally a very ‘play it safe’ kind of person; only in recent years have I pushed myself to take risks and adopt more of a ‘YOLO’ attitude (do people even use that acronym anymore?) My brain constantly is trying to predict outcomes and evade all possibilities of things going wrong. It isn’t logical to risk messing everything up when everything is fine. Perhaps also blah, but still fine. But maybe the risk is worth the slightest possibility of things working out the way I imagined. Then again, if I’m able to romanticize about it, it probably won’t happen; if it’s too good to be true, then it ain’t true. I swear, overthinking is going to be the death of me if I don’t take the type of positive action advised in the article. It is SO HARD though.

Even though I know that the best stories are written when I do take a risk, like spending a month in the jungle on the Big Island where I didn’t know a soul, I still struggle immensely inside. It’s like even if my brain and heart agrees to take action, my limbs cannot be persuaded to cooperate. It’s like a three-way tug-o-war between my brain, heart, and limbs.

Doing nothing is just as much of a decision as doing something.

There are many ways I’m like a hermit crab. First and foremost, I literally spend majority of my day inside the walls of my home. I need to be coaxed out of my comfort zone and reassured that it’s safe out there. (Just made me think of the time Chew had to physically scratch her foot on a steep trail to prove to one of our best friends, who is scared of heights, that she would not slip down.) I emerge from my shell and am vulnerable proportionate to how open or receptive I think other people will be towards what I’m about to reveal. If I don’t think you’ll care, I’ll limit the number of words that come out of my mouth and stick with very surface-level chitchat. When I’m not saying much, it’s likely because my brain is preoccupied with figuring out how much of my crazy self to put out there. My brain tends to go blank when I’m in unfamiliar situations and I blurt out things I end up regretting later if I don’t have enough time to think through what I want to say. Keeping quiet is my way of managing that. Those that know me well know that I’m a complete chatterbox and can be very long-winded (exhibit A: look at this blogpost, it’s an entire essay. One reason why I’m wordy online is because I have time to edit and revise.) At the same time, I don’t want to potentially bore people with my life story or be the only one talking and appear self-centered.

I often worry that I’m too boring of a person. I know, it’s silly. I’m also a hypocrite for advising my friends to disregard what others might think of them. Part of me tries to rationalize my lethargy by blaming the burnout from school (senioritis hit me real hard) while a part of me argues I could force myself to ‘fake’ it and put on my best front while yet another part of me deeply values being true to ones self.

Instead of trying to interpret the little information I obtain, I could just ask; that’d save me a lot of headache. But I don’t want to sound stupid or say something wrong so it seems safer to seal my lips than let a little too much leak out. This is what I mean when I say I’m not willing to do what it takes to get answers. I can just hear Chew saying to me, “don’t think so much, just go do it”. Funny how two best friends can be yin and yang, complete opposites.

My best friend Jaimie once told me, “there are no mistakes in life, only opportunities to learn and grow or blessings in disguise.” I acknowledge the power fear of screwing up has over me, but like running, believe that it is possible to overcome with practice. I suppose this kind of risk taking can be considered a type of exposure therapy. This goal of overthinking less and taking more action requires a complete mentality shift. It isn’t an easy task by any measure, and in this very moment I can feel this tension in my chest from wanting to make strides but not knowing if I should even bother, but here’s to hoping I look back in a year, or two, or ten, to proudly say that I’ve gotten braver. Publishing this post is a way of keeping myself accountable, a way for you to be an accountability partner, and a reference point for comparison down the road.

So let me end with this final quote:

Stories about how it turned out should be the goal, as opposed to getting it “right” every time.

For the overthinkers out there, may this be the little push to help you cultivate bravery to get answers to your questions, while collecting fascinating life stories and living with no regrets.

Ok it is now my bed time. Good night!